1. 'Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade'
'Dont panic, i'm coming immediately, have you done anything yet?'
'Yeah, i shaved with the electric razor.'
2. Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me - i just cant stop my hands shaking!''Did you drink a lot?''Not really - most of it spilled out!'
3. Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the viloin after the operation?
'Yes, ofcourse..''Great! I never could before!'
4. The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated, 'I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside of you.''Well if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.'
5. Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.
Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live,Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE?? whats the very bad news?Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
6. A man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up, he hasnt been feeling well all day and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the test results of the examination.
'I'm afraid i have some bad news. Youre dying and you dont have much time,' the doctor says.'Oh no, that's terrible, how much time do i have?' the man asks.'10...' says the doctor.'10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?' he asks desperately.'10....9...8....7....'
7. A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left_inner ear and a banana in his right ear.'Whats the matter with me?' he asks the doctor,The doctor replies 'Youre not eating properly.'
8. 'Doctor, are you sure i'm suffering from pnuemonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pnuemonia and finally dieingof typhus.''Dont worry, it wont happen with me, if i treat someone with pnuemonia he will die with pnuemonia.'
9. A guy walks into work and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss asks, 'What happened to your ears?'
He says, 'Yesterday i was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! i accidently answered the phone,'The boss asks, 'Well that explains one ear, what about to your other ear?'He says, "Well, jeez, i had to call the doctor!'
10. A pipe bursts in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, umpacked the tools, did some plumber-type things and handed the doctor the bill for $600,The doctor exclaimed 'This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!'The plumber answered quietly, 'Neither did i when i was a doctor.'
11. A fellow walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.He said, 'Shingles'She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles'She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles'So gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.He said, 'Shingles'The doctor asked, 'Where'He said, 'Outside in the truck, where do you want them?'
12. Patient to the doctor, 'Whenever i drink coffee, i have this sharp, excruciating pain.''Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking,'
13. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now i see the spots much clearer.
14. 'Are you an organ donor?' 'No but i once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army'
15. Things you dont want to hear during a surgery :
- Oops!- Has anyone seen my watch?- That was some party last night,
i cant remember when ive been so drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesnt say that, what edition is your manual?- Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy.- Comeback with that! Bad dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
- Hand me that.... uh...that uh.. thingie- Damn!, there go the lights again.
- Ya' know, there's big money in kidney's, heck the guys got two of them.- Everybody stand back!, i lost my contact lenses.- Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish i hadnt forgotten my glasses.- What do you mean he's not insured?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?- What do you mean you want a divorce?- Let's hurry, i dont want to miss Baywatch!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
16. A man needing a heart transplant is told be his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants thet sheep's heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him, 'How are you feeling?' the man replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"
17. Three doctors are on a duck blind and a duck flies overhead. The genereal practitioner looks at it and says, 'Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck,' shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, 'Hmmmm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck,' he raises his gun to shoot but the duck is well gone.A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, bring the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, 'Go see if that was a duck,'
18. A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a check-up. 'Remember,' the doctor said, 'Dont get excited, dont get mad and forget about baseball when youre off the field.' Then he added, 'By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth.'