Bollywood Humor

Raaaaaaaaaaaabert iss harami ko liquid oxygen may daal do ! Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!

Sheeshe ko sheesha kat ta hai, lohe ko loha kat ta hai, tujhe paagal kutta katega...

Sardar Jokes:

This actually happened. My father's deputy's friend took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"

This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs are approaching he is covering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai." Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin woh to jaanwar hai, usko kya pata"

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon hai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies, "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na mar jaun"

Do you know what Sardarji will do after taking a Xerox? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

Do you know what Sardarji will do if he wants a white paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!!

Sharabi Jokes:

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.

And then, one fine day, a nonchalant Sardar walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, "Bhale change hai hum, thagde hai. Bathao, lion kahan hai." When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.

Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.

As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out - victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.

And then he asked, "Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?"

Top Ten Desi Dialogues:

10. Kuttay, Kammenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga

9. Mai tumhara ehsaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga

8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?

7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi

6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....

5. Yeh anyay hai bhagwan

4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai

3. Tum mere liye mar chuke ho.

2. Police mere peechay lagi hui hai

1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.

 

Best Of the Rest Dialogues:

Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain

lo...muh meetha kar lo

mein yeh shaadi nahin hone doongi

aaj pinky ka janam din hai

yeh aap kya kar rahen hai, bhai

Bhaiyya !!!!!!!

Ma, tum kitni acchi ho

Aaj mein bahut khush hoon (usually to be followed by a tragic turn of events)

Arre isse to tez bukhar hai

Nikal jaa mere ghar say...

Hatoe naa, log kiya kahengay

Khabardaar joe mujhay haat bhi lagaya

tumne apni maa ka dudh piya hai to...

jug jug jiyo beti/beta

gurkha, ise dhakke maarke bahar nikal do

Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya...

Ab tumhari maa hamare kabze mein hai

Police ko tum jaise naujawanon par naaz hai

Driver, gaadi roko

Tum jaise gandi naali ke keede...

Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta

aur yeh bechari begunnah hai. That's all, your honor

tazeerat-e-hind, dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki saza sunai jaati hai.

Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai

Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe

(hero/heroine opening their eyes on a hospital bed) Main kahan hun?

Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha?

"Maa main first class pass ho gaya hoon" followed by the jug jug jiyo beta

Yeh sauda tumhe bahut mehenga padega

Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga, aaj pehi baar kuch maang raha/rahi hoon...

KANOON KE HAATH BAHUT LUMBE HOTE HAIN

Aey jee! Aap bade woh hain !

My Dear 'Monica':

You must be surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my 'Pehchan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge.' Though I am an 'Awaara,' I am also you 'Deewana.'

I am making you a 'Prathna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama.' Even though I do not have any ''Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my 'Dream Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka.' There are only 'Do Raaste' left_inner for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeeka' way.

wouldn't you like to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I also hope that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke Liye.'

We will love in 'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar.' In this 'Himalay Ki God Mein,' our 'Bandhan' is going to be tied with 'Preet Ki Dor.' I hoe that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Yeh Dillagi.'

Aren't you bored of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Le this 'Baazigar' be y our 'Boy Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat.' This 'Chahat' is going to lead to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao Pyar Karen.'

Now, 'Phir Kab Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hain'? As you know my love is 'Himalay se Uncha' and hopefully out 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening In Paris.' 'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

'Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

'Prem Pujari'

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